Falling Up Read online

  Pinocchio, Pinocchio, He finally awoke-io With donkey ears and little-boy tears, And his poor wooden heart was broke-io.

  So back home ran Pinocchio As fast as he could go-kio, But his daddy, he had gone to sea, So off to sea went Pinocchio.

  Pinocchio, Pinocchio, He got quite a soak-io When he lost his sail and got ate by a whale, And it looked like he was gonna croak-io.

  28

  But Pinocchio, Pinocchio, A fire he did stoke-io Inside that whale, who sneezed up a gale And blew him out in the smoke-io.

  Pinocchio, Pinocchio, Next mornin' he awoke-io, And he had no strings or puppety things, And his donkey ears had disappeared, And his nose -- surprise -- was the normal size, And his body felt fine, not made of pine, And he cried, "Oh joy, I'm a real boy, And everything's okey-dokey-o."

  WEIRD-BIRD

  [Drawing: happy looking bird flying towards us]

  Birds are flyin' south for winter.

  Here's the Weird-Bird headin' north, Wings a-flappin, beak a-chatterin, Cold head bobbin' back 'n' forth.

  He says, "It's not that I like ice Or freezin' winds and snowy ground.

  29

  It's just sometimes it's kind of nice To be the only bird in town."

  STONE AIRPLANE

  I made an airplane out of stone ...

  I always did like staying home.

  [Drawing: child in aviator's cap, goggles and scarf, sitting in a stone plane on the ground]

  SHARING

  I'll share your toys, I'll share your money, I'll share your toast, I'll share your honey, I'll share your milk and your cookies too --

  The hard part's sharing mine with you.

  [Drawing: two children pulling on the arms of a teddy bear]

  ICE CREAM STOP

  [Drawing: a circus elephant with an ice cream cone in its trunk]

  The circus train made an ice cream stop At the fifty-two-flavor ice cream stand.

  The animals all got off the train And walked right up to the ice cream man.

  "I'll take Vanilla," yelled the gorilla.

  30

  "I'll take Chocolate," shouted the ocelot.

  "I'll take the Strawberry," chirped the canary.

  "Rocky Road," croaked the toad.

  "Lemon and Lime," growled the lion.

  Said the ice cream man, "'Til I see a dime, You'll get no ice cream of mine."

  Then the animals snarled and screeched and growled And whinnied and whimpered and hooted and howled And gobbled up the whole ice cream stand, All fifty-two flavors (Fifty-*three* with Ice Cream Man).

  BIG EATING CONTEST

  The entrance fee cost me Two dollars, and then It cost twenty more For those burgers and fries.

  My hospital bill Was a hundred and ten.

  But I won --

  The five-dollar first prize!

  31

  [Drawing: sick face with "Winner" sign on its head]

  WEB-FOOT WOE

  Us swans and geese Have rotten luck.

  You folks don't know Whose name is whose.

  I waddle in --

  You all yell, "Duck."

  Can't you see That I'm a goose?

  [Drawing: irritated looking goose, looking at us; up in the corner of the page, an arrow or spear is heading for the goose]

  DON THE DRAGON'S BIRTHDAY

  [Drawing: Dragon, wearing party hat, swims in sea up to a beach where several people in party hats wait with a cake on a table]

  Here he comes across the lake.

  He's comin' for his birthday cake.

  Sing "Happy Birthday, Dragon Don,"

  And watch him blow the candles ... on.

  THE BEAR, THE FIRE, AND THE SNOW

  32

  "I live in fear of the snow," said the bear.

  "Whenever it's here, be sure I'll be there.

  Oh, the pain and the cold, When one's bearish and old.

  I live in fear of the snow."

  "I live in fear of the fire," said the snow.

  "Whenever it comes then it's time I must go.

  With its yellow lick flames Leaping higher and higher, I live in fear of the fire."

  "I live in fear of the river," said the fire.

  "It can drown all my flames anytime it desires, And the thought of the wet Makes me sputter and shiver.

  I live in fear of the river."

  "I live in fear of the bear," said the river.

  "It can lap me right up, don't you know?"

  While a mile away You can hear the bear say, "I live in fear of the snow."

  33

  FOOT REPAIR

  [Drawing: cobbler working with needle and thread on one foot as the child stands by on the other foot; foot is in his lap, not attached to the child]

  I walked so much I wore down my feet --

  Do you know how weird that feels?

  I went to the cobbler. "Aha," says he, "You need new soles and heels."

  So he took some tacks And some thick new skin, And quick as quick could be, He stitched and he clipped And he glued and he snipped, And he shined' em up for me.

  But when he said, "Ten dollars, please,"

  It almost knocked me flat.

  "Ten dollars? Just for heels and soles?

  I could have bought new feet for that."

  WRITER WAITING

  [Drawing: child wearing glasses sitting on the floor in front of a 34

  computer

  keyboard and monitor; the electrical cord from the computer stretches across the bottom of the next page to the plug, where it has an eel's head, instead of a plug]

  Oh this shiny new computer --

  There just isn't nothin' cuter.

  It knows everything the world ever knew.

  And with this great computer I don't need no writin' tutor, 'Cause there ain't a single thing that it can't do.

  It can sort and it can spell, It can punctuate as well.

  It can find and file and underline and type.

  It can edit and select, It can copy and correct, So I'll have a whole book written by tonight (just as soon as it can think of what to write).

  WARMHEARTED

  [Drawing: woman wearing fox stole]

  Beatrice Bright is for animal rights --

  35

  She's waiting for Animal Day to arrive.

  And though you see her in her new fox fur, The fox that she wears is alive.

  STUPID PENCIL MAKER

  Some dummy built this pencil wrong --

  The eraser's down here where the point belongs.

  And the point's at the top -- so it's no good to me.

  Its amazing how stupid some people can be.

  [Drawing: hand, holding pencil with the eraser towards the paper]

  BAD COLD

  [Drawing: Person holding handkerchief, with nose dripping to the floor]

  This cold is too much for my shirtsleeve.

  Go get me a Kleenex -- and fast.

  I sniffle and wheeze And I'm ready to sneeze And I don't know how long I can last... .

  Atchoo -- it's too wet for a Kleenex, So bring me a handkerchief, quick.

  It's -- atchoo -- no joke, Now the handkerchief's soaked.

  36

  Hey, a dish towel just might do the trick.

  Atchoo -- it's too much for a bath towel.

  There never has been such a cold.

  I'll be better off With that big tablecloth, No -- bring me the flag off the pole.

  Atchoo -- bring the clothes from the closet, Atchaa -- get the sheets from the bed, The drapes off the window, The rugs off the floor To soak up this cold in my head.

  Atchoo -- hurry down to the circus And ask if they'll lend you the tent.

  You say they said yes?

  Here it comes -- Lord be blessed --

  Here it is -- Ah-ka*choooo* -- there it went.

  NEW WORLD

  Upside-down trees swingin, Busses float and buildings dangle Now and then it's nice to see 37

  The world -- from
a different angle [Drawing: person bending over and looking at us from between her legs]

  ALPHABALANCE

  [Drawing: person balancing a pile of letters]

  Balancing my ABCs Takes from noon to half past three I don'thave time to grab a T

  Or even stop to take a P.

  STRANGE RESTAURANT

  [Drawing: illustrates poem]

  I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."

  A soft voice mooed, "Oh, wow."

  And I looked up and realized The waitress was a cow.

  I cried, "Mistake -- forget the steak.

  I'll take the chicken then."

  I heard a cluck -- 'twas just my luck The busboy was a hen.

  I said, "Okay, no fowl today.

  I'll have the seafood dish."

  38

  Then I saw through the kitchen door The cook -- he was a fish.

  I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' here Who's an onion or a beet?

  No? You're sure? Okay then, friends, A salad's what I'll eat."

  They looked at me. "Oh, no," they said, "The owner is a cabbage head."

  WOULDA-COULDA-SHOULDA All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas Layin' in the sun, Talkin' 'bout the things They woulda-coulda-shoulda done ...

  But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas All ran away and hid From one little did.

  SYBIL THE MAGICIAN'S LAST SHOW

  [Drawing: girl in cape and with magician's top hat, out of which pokes bunny ears]

  Magical Sybil was much too cheap 39

  To buy her rabbit a carrot.

  He grew so thin, just bones and skin, So starved he couldn't bear it --

  And so, as she reached into her hat To grab him by the ears, She felt a tug, she felt a pull, And WHAP -- she disappeared, "The greatest act we've ever seen,"

  We cheered for Magical Sybil.

  But all that remained was a hat and a cape And the sound of a bunny Goin', "Nibble . . . nibble . . . nibble."

  ROTTEN CONVENTION

  [Drawing: illustrates some faces mentioned below]

  They had a Rotten Convention And everyone was there: Hamburger Face and Gruesome Grace And the Skull with the slimy hair.

  There was Mr. Mud and the Creepin' Crud And the Drooler and Belchin' Bob, 40

  There was Three-Headed Ann -- she was holdin' hands With the Whimperin' Simperin' Slob.

  The Unpronounceable Name, he came, And so did Saw-Nose Dan And Poopin' Pete and Smelly Feet And the Half-Invisible Man.

  There was Sudden Death and Sweat-Sock Breath, Big Barf and the Deadly Bore, And Killin' Dillon and other villains We'd never seen before.

  And we all sat around and told bad tales Of the rottenest people we knew, And everybody there kept askin'. . .

  Where were you?

  GARDENER

  [Drawing: several plants, and a sheepish looking person, facing away]

  We gave you a chance To water the plants.

  We didn't mean that way --

  Now zip up your pants.

  41

  MEDUSA [Drawing: Medusa, with snakes for hair, holding a brush and a comb]

  Coil and hiss -- writhe and twist --

  My hairdo won't get done.

  'Cause one hair's hissing, "Ponytail,"

  And one yells, "Simple bun."

  One whispers, "Cornrows,"

  One screams, "Bangs."

  One shouts, "Just wash and dry it."

  One snaps, "No, curl and tie it,"

  One hollers, "Bleach and dye it."

  And how am I to fix my hair If my hair will not keep quiet?

  WE'RE OUT OF PAINT, SO...

  Let's paint a picture with our food.

  For red we'll squeeze these cherries.

  For purple let's splash grape juice on.

  For blue we'll use blueberries.

  For black just use some licorice.

  For brown pour on some gravy.

  42

  For yellow you can dip your brush In the egg yolk you just gave me.

  We'll sign our names in applesauce And title it "Our Luncheon, And hang it up for everyone To stop ... and see ... and munch on.

  THE GNOME, THE GNAT, AND THE GNU

  [Drawing: illustrates poem]

  I saw an ol' gnome Take a gknock at a gnat Who was gnibbling the gnose of his gnu.

  I said, "Gnasty gnome, Gnow, stop doing that.

  That gnat ain't done gnothing to you."

  He gnodded his gnarled ol' head and said, "'Til gnow I gnever gnew That gknocking a gnat In the gnoodle like that Was gnot a gnice thing to do."

  HAND HOLDING

  43

  Somebody said, "Let's all hold hands,"

  So Lee held hands with Jean.

  And Jean also held Helen's hand While she held hands with Dean.

  Dean's other hand held Sharma Joy's While she held hands with Lee.

  So tell me just how did I wind up Holdin' hands with me?

  [Drawing: child sitting on the ground, holding hands with himself]

  LONG SCARF

  [Drawing: slightly wild looking head with long scarf around the neck]

  You ask me to take off my scarf And sit down and rest for a while?

  That's sweet of you -- but before I do, I'll tell you a story, my child.

  Some years ago I fought a duel With the Count of Doomandread, And I slipped or tripped And his sword just clipped My neck -- and sliced off my head.

  44

  I scooped it up and put it back, But it didn't quite connect, So I tied this scarf around it Just to keep it on my neck.

  That's why I always keep it on, 'Cause if it did unwrap, This wobbly chopped-off head of mine Might tumble in your lap.

  So now you've heard my tale, and if It will not make you ill, And you'd still like me to Take off my scarf. . . .

  I Will!

  HARD TO PLEASE

  (To be said in one breath) Elaine gives me a pain, Gill makes me ill, Winnie's a ninny, Orin is borin', Milly is silly, 45

  Rosy is nosy, Junie is loony, Gussie is fussy, Jackie is wacky, Tommy is balmy, Mary is scary, Tammy is clammy, Abby is crabby, Patti is batty, Mazie is lazy, Tiny is whiney, Missy is prissy, Nicky is picky, Ricky is tricky, And almost everyone Makes me sicky.

  (Whew!) THEY SAY I HAVE ...

  They say I have my father's nose, My grandpa's eyes, 46

  My mother's hair.

  Could it be that my behind's The only thing that's really mine?

  [Drawing: child standing next to a man with no nose, a woman with no hair and an older man with no eyes]

  THE TOY EATER

  [Drawing: gnome-like creature with mouth piled high with toys, and trampling others underfoot]

  You don't have to pick up your toys, okay?

  You can leave 'em right there on the floor, So tonight when the Terrible Toy-Eatin' Tookle Comes tiptoein' in through the crack in the door, He'll crunch all your soldiers, he'll munch on your trucks, He'll chew your poor puppets to shreds, He'll swallow your Big Wheel and slurp up your paints And bite off your dear dollies' heads.

  Then he'll wipe off his lips with the sails of your ship, And making a burpity noise, He'll slither away -- but hey, that's okay, 47

  You don't have to pick up your toys.

  DESCRIPTION

  George said, "God is short and fat."

  Nick said, "No, He's tall and lean."

  Len said, "With a long white beard."

  "No," said John, "He's shaven clean."

  Will said, "He's black," Bob said, "He's white."

  Rhonda Rose said, "He's a She."

  I smiled but never showed 'em all The autographed photograph God sent to me.

  SHOE TALK

  [Drawing: child lying on stomach, facing a shoe whose toe area is open to reveal teeth]

  There's no one to talk with --

  I'll talk with my shoe.

  He does have a tongue And an inner soul, too.

  He's awfully well polished, So straightlaced and neat (But he talks about no
thing

  48

  But feet -- feet -- feet).

  PEOPLE ZOO

  I got grabbed by the elk and the caribou.

  They tied me up with a vine lassoo And whisked me away to Animaloo, Where they locked me up in the People Zoo.

  Now I'm here in a cage that is small as can be (You can't let wild people just run around free), And I'm fed bread and tea at a quarter to three, And the animals all come and gander at me.

  They point and they giggle and sometimes they spit (There's bars on my cage, so they can't poke or hit) And they scream, "Do a trick," but I stubbornly sit, Not doin' nothin'. . . but thinkin' a bit.

  So if you come visit, just howl, honk, or moo And try to pretend you're an animal, too, 'Cause if you're a person, they'll throw you into Cage Two of the zoo here in Animaloo.

  [Drawing: person (tastefully naked) in "Zoo Cage 1", labelled "Kid: Do Not 49

  Feed" and "Warning: This Creature is Wild and Dangerous"; outside the cage, with satisfied expressions are a duck, a worm, two turtles, two dogs, two geese, a pig, a gorilla, a rabbit, a moose, an elephant, a camel (I think, I can only see its face), a giraffe and a stork.]

  THE TONGUE STICKER-OUTER

  [Drawing illustrates poem]

  They say that once in Zanzibar A boy stuck out his tongue so far, It reached the heavens and touched a star, Which burned him rather badly.

  I wasn't there, but they say that lout Now keeps his tongue inside his mouth, But if you ask him to stick it out ...

  I think he'll do it gladly.

  HYPNOTIZED

  [Drawing: turban-clad fortune teller's face]

  How would you like to get hypnotized?

  Stare deep, deep into my eyes.

  Now you're getting drowsy, falling deep 50

  Deep, deep, deep -- asleep, And I have you in my power.

  Mow the lawn for half an hour.

  Shine my shoes, trim my hair, Wash out all my underwear.

  Do my homework, scratch my back, Cook me up a great big stack Of pancakes, and go wash my plate.

  Get some nails and fix the gate.

  Now wake up and open your eyes.

  Wasn't it fun to be hypnotized?

  SETTIN' AROUND

  [Drawing of campfire, with child talking to frightened looking wolf-man, frankensteinish monster, and vampire]

  Settin' 'round the campfire With a Werewolf, a Ghoul, and a Vampire, I told' em the story of Murderin' Mack, And the Ghoul ran off screamin'

  And never came back.

  Settin' 'round the campfire 51

  With the Werewolf and the Vampire, I told 'em the tale of Three-Headed Ed, And the Werewolf ran home And hid under the bed.

  Settin' 'round the campfire, Just me and that ol' Vampire, I read him the poem of the skeleton bone, And now it's just me, Settin' here all alone.

  RED FLOWERS FOR YOU

  [Drawing: Hand holding scraggly bouquet of flowers]

  They could be poison ivy, They might be poison oak, But anyway, here's your bouquet!

  Hey -- can't you take a joke?

  MY NOSE GARDEN

  [Drawing: gardener standing before an array of plants, all of which have noses instead of flowers; gardener has picked one with a nose and is smelling it]