Falling Up Read online

  I have rowses and rowses of noses and noses, 52

  And why they all growses I really can't guess.

  No lilies or roses, just cold-catching noses, And when they all blowses, it's really a mess.

  They runs and they glowses, these sneezity noses, They drips and they flowses, they blooms and they dies.

  But you can't bring no noses to fine flower showses And really expect them to give you a prize.

  But each mornin' I goeses to water with hoses These rowses of noses that I cannot sell, These red sniffly noses that cause all my woeses, Why even the crowses complain that they smell.

  Why noses, not roses? Well, nobody knowses.

  Why do you supposes they growses this thick?

  But since there's no roses come gather some noses --

  I guarantee each one's a good nose to pick.

  MIRROR, MIRROR

  [Drawing: Queen screaming at mirror]

  QUEEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest of them all?

  MIRROR: Snow White, Snow White, Snow White --

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  I've told you a million times tonight.

  QUEEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall, What would happen if I let you fall?

  You'd shatter to bits with a clang and a crash, Your glass would be splintered -- swept out with the trash, Your frame would be bent, lying here on the floor --

  MIRROR: Hey ... go ahead, ask me just once more.

  QUEEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest of them all?

  MIRROR: You -- you -- It's true, The fairest of all is you-you-you.

  (Whew!) SPOILED BRAT

  The spoiled brat cut a hole in her hat, The spoiled brat put a coat on the cat, The spoiled brat got into a spat 'Bout whether a rodent's a mouse or a rat.

  The spoiled brat broke a bike with her bat, The spoiled brat told the policeman to scat, The spoiled brat said her sister was fat, 54

  And sat on her birthday cake 'til it was flat.

  The spoiled brat, she cussed and she spat, The spoiled brat pulled the wings off a gnat, The spoiled brat fell into a vat, Got cooked up for dinner and that was that.

  But in spite of the pepper, The salt and the sage, The onions and garlic and oil, Nobody would touch A bite of that brat Because she was so spoiled.

  [Drawing: bored looking child with "Spoiled Brat" shirt sitting in cauldron labelled "Boilin' Vat"]

  OBEDIENT

  Teacher said, "You don't obey.

  You fidget and twidget And won't sit down.

  So go stand in the corner now 'Til I say you can turn around."

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  So there I stood til it got dark Without a whimper or a tear, 'Til everybody else went home.

  I guess that she forgot me here.

  And that was Friday, so I stayed All through the weekend -- bein' good, And Monday was the first day of Summer vacation, so I stood Through hot July and sticky August, Tryin' to ob*ey her rule.

  Stood right there until September, When -- yikes -- they closed down the school!

  Boarded up the doors and windows, Moved to a new one way 'cross town.

  So here I've stood for forty years In dark and dust and creaky sounds, Waiting for her to say, "Turn around."

  This might not be just what she meant, But me -- I'm so obedient.

  [Drawing: Old man, standing facing away, with hands behind his back, 56

  looking sheepishly over his shoulder towards us]

  GLUB-GLUB

  He thought it was The biggest puddle He'd go splashing through.

  Turns out it was The smallest lake --

  And the deepest, too.

  [Drawing: pool of water with baseball-style cap floating on top.]

  GOLDEN GOOSE

  Yes, we cooked that fat ol' goose.

  You say we were insane Because she laid those golden eggs, But you don't know the pain Of trying to boil a golden egg While you just starve away.

  If she'd laid ordinary eggs She'd be with us today.

  REACHIN' RICHARD

  [Drawing: Family at dinner table, with food on their plates; child at one 57

  end is reaching with elongated arm all the way across the length of the table to take food of the father's plate]

  'Stead of sayin', "Pass the peas,"

  Richard reached across and grabbed some.

  'Stead of whisperin', "Lamb chop, please,"

  Richard poked his fork and stabbed one.

  'Spite his father's warnin' words, 'Spite his mother's tearful teachin', With each grab his arm did grow 'Til it stretched twenty yards or so.

  Said Richard, "Yes, it's weird, I know, But boy, it's great for reachin'."

  HAUNTED

  [Drawing: broken down house porch, with bat flying nearby]

  I dare you all to go into The Haunted House on Howlin' Hill, Where squiggly things with yellow eyes Peek past the wormy window sill.

  We'll creep into the moonlit yard, Where weeds reach out like fingers, 58

  And through the rotted old front door A-squeakin' on its hinges, Down the dark and whisperin' hall, Past the musty study, Up the windin' staircase --

  Don't step on the step that's bloody --

  Through the secret panel To the bedroom where we'll slide in To the ragged cobweb dusty bed Ten people must have died in.

  And the bats will screech, And the spirits will scream, And the thunder will crash Like a horrible dream, And we'll sing with the zombies And dance with the dead, And howl at the ghost With the axe in his head, And -- come to think of it what do you say We go get some ice cream instead?

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  MISTER MOODY

  [Note: picture is between verses, and the second verse is written upside down]

  And here we see ol' Mister Moody, Wearing such a gloomy frown.

  But turn him upside down and see ...

  [Drawing: odd face, with long forehead, mustache, slight beard and very little head hair]

  Mister Moody Upside down --

  What did you expect?

  [Drawing upside down: This is NOT one of those optical illusion pictures you can invert and see another face; it's just an ugly face upside down.

  EVERY LUNCHTIME

  [Drawing: illustrates poem]

  I open my lunch box Hopin' to find A sandwich, an apple, Some cookies or cake.

  But there, coiled and hissin', 60

  And set to unwind, Is another big venomous, Poisonous snake, Slitherin' and squirmin'

  And hissin' away, Leavin' me hungry as can be.

  It happens every single day...

  You think my mother's mad at me?

  KANGA RUBY

  [Drawing: queen kangaroo, hopping on one foot with a cake stuck to the other; has a roo in her pocket]

  Hop, nibble, nibble and hop, What else can you do But chew that wattle tree bottom to top When you're a kangaroo?

  You live down in the dusty bush Far from the traffic's zoom With twenty other kangaroos In one little kangaroom ....

  And when you feel like dancin', 61

  You simply shake a hoof And hop on the top of your little hut On your leafy kangaroof . . . .

  But other times you do wake up In a mean and nasty mood And yell at everyone around --

  That's really kangarude.

  No kangaroo hops high as you, No kangaroo looks cooler, So they've elected you their queen --

  Now you're a kangaruler.

  And they baked you a queenly cake Last Wednesday afternoon.

  Of course, you went and hopped in it, And now it's kangaruined!

  ALLISON BEALS AND HER 25 EELS

  [Drawing illustrates poem]

  Allison Beals had twenty-five eels --

  She used four for skateboard wheels, She used one as a hula hoop, 62

  She used one to stir her soup, Two of them with silly faces She would use for sneaker laces, One was a band to tie her hair, Two were earrings danglin' there, One was a ring upon her hand, One made a perfect wristwatch band, One of them held her cup of
tea, One held the bandage on her knee, One was a belt for her cut-off jeans, One held up her magazines, One was a necklace that never would choke, One was a bra strap in case hers broke, One was a wobbly baton to twirl, One held a banner that she could unfurl, One was a bracelet that wouldn't unwind, One made a lovely Valentine, The 'lectric one was a lamp that could shine, And one got a new job on page fifty-nine.

  [Note: see description for "Writer Waiting"]

  63

  A BATTLE IN THE SKY

  [Drawing: sun and crescent moon, with angry faces, up against each other]

  It wasn't quite day and it wasn't quite night, 'Cause the sun and the moon were both in sight, A situation quite all right With everyone else but them.

  So they both made remarks about who gave more light And who was the brightest and prettiest sight, And the sun gave a bump and the moon gave a bite, And the terrible sky fight began.

  With a scorch and a sizzle, a screech and a shout, Across the great heavens they tumbled about, And the moon had a piece of the sun in its mouth, While the sun burned the face of the moon.

  And when it was over the moon was rubbed red, And the sun had a very bad lump on its head, And all the next night the moon stayed home in bed, And the sun didn't come out 'til noon.

  SHORT KID

  64

  They said I'd grow another foot Before I reached the age of ten.

  It's true, I grew another foot --

  Guess this is what they meant.

  [Drawing: child with foot growing out of his head]

  THE MUMMY

  [Drawing: child wrapped in toilet paper]

  Wrapped myself in toilet paper, Head to toe to tummy.

  Wrapped myself in toilet paper, Thought that I'd be funny.

  Wrapped myself in toilet paper, Thought they'd call me "Mummy."

  Wrapped myself in toilet paper, They just call me dummy.

  SHANNA IN THE SAUNA "Come into the sauna."

  "No thank you, I don't wanna."

  "There's an iguana in the sauna...

  "I still don't wanna."

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  "There's a piranha in the sauna...."

  "Now I really don't wanna."

  "OK, the iguana just ate the piranha, And the shark just ate the iguana, So now you can come into the sauna."

  "Now I'm never gonna."

  A CAT, A KID, AND A MOM

  [Drawing: illustrates poem]

  "Why can't you see I'm a cat," said the cat, "And that's all I ever will be?

  Why are you shocked when I roam out at night?

  Why are you sad when I meow and I fight?

  Why are you sick when I eat up a rat?

  I'm a cat."

  "Why can't you see I'm a kid?" said the kid.

  "Why try to make me like you?

  Why are you hurt when I don't want to cuddle?

  Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?

  Why do you scream when I do what I did?

  I'm a kid."

  66

  "Why can't you see I'm a mom?" said the mom.

  "Why try to make me wise?

  Why try to teach me the ways of the cat?

  Why try to tell me that 'kids are like that'?

  Why try to make me be patient and calm?

  I'm a mom."

  CARROTS

  They say that carrots are good for your eyes, They swear that they improve your sight, But I'm seein' worse than I did last night --

  You think maybe I ain't usin' 'em right?

  [Drawing: face with sad expression and carrots poking out of the eyeholes]

  FEEDING TIME

  Oh alligator, palligator, get up out of bed.

  It's breakfast time and I can't find Our keeper Mister Fred.

  He smokes a pipe and wears a little Derby on his head, And he was 'sposed to meet me here To help to get you fed.

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  [Drawing: Short person with pail and toothbrush (labelled "Firm") stands in front of an aligator with a person (smoking a pipe) profiled in its stomach]

  DANCIN' IN THE RAIN

  [Drawing: naked person (from behind) dancing in flowers under rain]

  So what if it drizzles And dribbles and drips?

  I'll splash in the garden, I'll dance on the roof.

  Let it rain on my skin, It can't get in --

  I'm waterproof.

  LYIN' LARRY

  [Drawing: four faces poking over a wall]

  Larry's such a liar --

  He tells outrageous lies.

  He says he's ninety-nine years old Instead of only five.

  He says he lives up on the moon, 68

  He says that he once flew.

  He says he's really six feet four Instead of three feet two.

  He says he has a billion dollars 'Stead of just a dime.

  He says he rode a dinosaur Back in some distant time.

  He says his mother is the moon Who taught him magic spells.

  He says his father is the wind That rings the morning bells.

  He says he can take stones and rocks And turn them into gold.

  He says he can take burnin' fire And turn it freezin' cold.

  He said he'd send me seven elves To help me with my chores.

  But Larry's such a liar --

  He only sent me four.

  THE RUNNERS

  69

  Why does our track team run so fast And jump with zest and zeal?

  We owe it all to our great coach And our wonderful practice field.

  [Drawing: lion (wearing "Coach" T-shirt) chases six runners over a spear-

  lined pit filled with skulls]

  REMOTE-A-DAD

  [Drawing: child pointing remote control at dancing adult with stewpot on his head and money flinging from his hands]

  It's just like a TV remote control, Except that it works on fathers.

  You just push the thing that you want him to do And he does it -- without any bother.

  You want him to dance? Push number five.

  You want him to sing? Push seven.

  You want him to raise your allowance a bit?

  You simply push eleven.

  You want him quiet? Just hit Mute.

  Fourteen will make him cough.

  You want him to stop picking on you?

  70

  Yelling and telling you what not to do?

  And stop bossing you for an hour or two?

  Just push Power-Off.

  NO GROWN-UPS

  No grown-ups allowed.

  We're playin' a game, And we don't need "Be-carefuls" or "don'ts."

  No grown-ups allowed.

  We're formin' a club, And the secret oath Must not be shown.

  No grown-ups allowed.

  We're goin' out for pizza --

  No, no one but me and my crowd.

  So just stay away.

  Oh, now it's time to pay?

  Grown-ups allowed.

  THE PORKY

  [Drawing: porcupine]

  71

  Oh who will wash the porky's ears, And who will comb his tail, And who will shine his long sharp quills And manicure his nails?

  Oh Willie may wash the porky's ears, And Carole may comb his tail, And Sidney may shine his long sharp quills, And I'll go down for the mail ....

  JAMES

  [Drawing: Roller skater with hamburger head]

  There once was a hamburger whose name was James --

  What? Didn't you know all burgers have names?

  Well they do -- some are Norbert and some are named Neal, Some are Llewellyn, some are Lucille, Some just have nicknames like Bunky or Bean, Others have long names like Rose-Mavoureen, Like you, each one's special and no one's the same, So please, 'fore you bite, Be polite -- ask their name.

  SHOW FISH

  72

  [Drawing: child holding dead fish by the tail, looking uncertain]

  I found a flounder and I thought, "Swell, I'll take it to school for show and tell."

  But
I forgot, for quite a spell, To take it to school for show and tell, And now it's two weeks later .... Well...

  I'll take it to school for show and smell.

  NO

  [Poem is on a sign leaning diagonally]

  No smoking No spitting No loitering No littering No drinking No eating No parking No speeding No fishing No floating No swimming 73

  No boating No surfing No hiking No hunting No biking No running No skipping No skinny-dipping No volleyball players No spray can sprayers No fly rod casters No boom box blasters No trash leavers No frisbee heavers [Drawing: signpost is gnawed through and a beaver is walking away saying "Hey -- It didn't say no beavers."]

  A CLOSET FULL OF SHOES

  [Drawing: illustrates poem]

  Party shoes with frills and bows, Workin' shoes with steel toes, 74

  Sneakers, flip-flops, and galoshes, Boots to wear with mackintoshes, Brogans, oxfords, satin pumps, Dancin' taps and wooden clumps, Shoes for climbin', shoes for hikes, Football cleats and baseball spikes, Shoes of shiny patent leather, Woolly shoes for winter weather, Loafers, rough-outs, sandals, spats, High heels, low heels, platforms, flats, Moccasins and fins and flippers, Shower clogs and ballet slippers...

  A zillion shoes and just one missin' --

  That's the one that matches this'n.

  THE WEAVERS

  [Drawing: spiderweb in corner of page, with spider hanging down]

  I was sittin', I was knittin'

  On a sweater I could wear.

  When I finished, I said proudly, "Hey, I've done some weavin' there."

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  But ol' spider on the wall said, "Can you do it in the air?

  Can you spin it out of gossamer From the ceiling to the stair?

  Can you let the wind blow through it So it sways but doesn't tear?

  Then can you grab onto it And swing lightly on a hair?

  When you can -- then you may truly say, 'I've done some weavin' there.'"

  ONE OUT OF SIXTEEN

  I'm no good at History, Science makes no sense to me, Music is a mystery, English is no friend to me, Math is my worst enemy, Economics tortures me, Gym takes too much energy, Reading is a chore to me, Geography just loses me, 76

  I hate Sociology, Chemistry confuses me, I barf in Biology, Astronomy's just stars to me, Botany's just flower smelling, Even Art's too hard for me.

  Well, at least I'm good at Speling!

  HEADLESS TOWN

  [Drawing: hat salesman facing headless adults, children and dog]

  Selling hats in Headless Town --

  Special sale, so gather 'round.

  Short brim, wide brim, white or brown, Hats for sale -- in Headless Town.

  Selling hats in Headless Town --

  Stetson, bonnet, cap, or crown, Isn't there one soul around Who needs a hat in Headless Town?

  Selling hats in Headless Town Sure can get a fella down, But there's a way 77

  If there's a will (I once sold shoes In Footlessville).

  FORGETFUL PAUL REVERE

  [Drawing: colonial on horse on hillside near buildings and tree]

  Was it two if by land And one if by sea?